#288 – Five Things That Always Get You Into Trouble

  1.  I’m a borderline perfectionist, so the job has to be done a specific away.  However, I have a bad tendency to go hard on a job then slowly taper off as my interest or time run short.  This sets the bar really high in expectations of me and I end up eventually letting them down as the quality of my work drops.
  2. I’m absent-minded.  I forget dates, tasks, and objects constantly.  I’ve gone through wallets, bank cards, cameras, phones, shoes, glasses, drinks, food, and money.  Just set them down and walk away, never to be seen again.
  3. I’m a procrastinator.  I am always finding something else I’d rather spend my time doing.  This actually links to #1 and #2 as well.  Because I’m almost OCD with my work, it takes up a lot of time which I don’t like using on things I don’t enjoy.  So I put things off, which makes less time to complete the task, which means cutting corner ending with me failing the task.  Also, with my forgetfulness, I am constantly forgetting to do tasks that I have put off to do something else.
  4. I dislike people.  Stupid people especially.  In the past, I’ve been quite vocal about how little I thought of people and that would often get me a phone call from my boss demanding to know why I told off a customer.  How I haven’t been fired from more jobs, I do not know.  I’ve gotten much better about hiding how I feel about people, but only on a professional level.  On my own time, I can be pretty stand-offish, if not outright cantankerous.
  5. This doesn’t happen often because I’ve learned when and where is the best time to do it, but there have been times that my sense of humor has landed me into a bit of a pickle.  Sometimes I misjudge someone’s line in the sand and make an offensive joke or I just picked the wrong line at the wrong time.

Behind the Random: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to stay out of trouble.  I pick my battles carefully and constantly walk a line.  Growing up around people who yelled and fought a lot, as well as having a anger control problem myself, I developed an aversion to confrontation.  I don’t want to get angry.  I don’t like me when I’m angry.

#333 – Write about the Same Event…

…from #332 with the intent of convincing the reader that you were fully to blame.  Which version of the story is more convincing?

Let me ask you a question: would you trust an idiot with your most prized possessions?  Especially one that has proven time and time again to be difficult and refuse to follow directions?  That’s a question I should have asked myself before letting him hold onto my computer for a few weeks.

If it was so important to me, I shouldn’t have left it behind.  It should have been protected with me, or as safe as any electronic device is with me.  Instead, knowing what a backstabbing selfish thug he is, I left it there like some kind of moron.

He may have destroyed my computer and cost me years of work, but it was a completely preventable event if I’d been more protective over my own stuff.

Behind the Random: So, did I convince you that I was to blame for that event?  Because I still need some convincing myself.  Unfortunately, that’s the only time that I’ve been screwed over that I haven’t forgiven someone for.  So yeah…

#205 – A Bad Smell and Where It Came From

Once upon a time, the world smelled of roses and rainbows, if rainbows have a smell.  Everyone was happy and cheerful and they would always break out into huge song numbers.  Everyone except for the Mad Mage.  The constant sweet smells and singing gave him a constant headache which interfered with his spell casting.

So one night, deep within his keep below the earth, the Mage concocted a spell that would change the world forever.  All smells would be vanquished forever, leaving the world a bland scentless place.  However, an errant whiff of daffodil found it’s way up his nostril, causing him to sneeze in the middle of his incantation.

The powerful spell was disrupted but not forgotten.  Instead of banishing smell, it corrupted and twisted some until they were puerile and offensive.  The people gagged and retched, driving away by the wretched odors emanating from their waste.

At first, they tried to move away from the smell but the spell was powerful and gaining strength everyday.  It swelled across the land and sea, until it settled all over the world.  When the people learned who was responsible for creating such a terrible smell-filled world, they named it after the Mage, Stenchly Stinker.

The next time you smell bad fish or a friend’s fart, you know who to thank.

Behind the Random: I was having trouble picking just one smell.  So I picked them all and how they came to be.  Writing fables and “Once upon a Time…”‘s are fun and easy to do.  And with a license to be completely nonsensical, you can do almost anything you want.

#457 – Write a Song

Trinity

Once, there was this baby whose
Parents put him in a spaceship
And sent him down to Earth and
When. He finally grew up.
He. Had. Powers beyond any mere mortal.
And so he donned a red cape,
They called him Superman.

Mmmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm
Mmmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm

Then, there was this girl who
Grew up on an island
Filled with Amazons and
Then, she left for Man’s World
She. Found. A planet that needed saving.
And so she took up the fight
And became a Wonder Woman.

Mmmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm
Mmmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm

Well they fight
To save the day.
For truth, justice
The American Way.

Mmmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm
Mmmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm

But then, there was this kid who
Watched his parents get gunned down
In the middle of an alley and
So. He made his vow.
To. Strike. Fear into the heart of all evil.
And so he became the night
He is the goddamn Batman.

Mmmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm
Mmmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm

Awwwww awwwww awwwww awwww
Awwwww awwwww awwwww awwww

Awwwww awwwww awwwww awwww
Awwwww awwwww awwwww awwww

Behind the Random: This is a parody to Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm by the Crash Test Dummies that I wrote about a year ago that was inspired by another parody.  I like writing parodies because they’re fun and easier than starting from scratch.  People who can create music from scratch are pretty spectacular people.  I am not one of those people.

#100 – Describe One of Your Bad Habits…

…and why you secretly get joy out of it.

Lend me your ear and I’ll tell you how much I suck.  When it comes to self-deprecating humor, not many can throw themselves under a bus with such ease.  Some people think it’s because I have a low confidence or hate myself, but the reality is actually two-fold.

First, after spending a half of my life as the target of bullies, I developed a defense that worked out pretty well for me.  By playing the part of the fool, I learned to hit myself harder than they could hit me.  Took the edge off of their words.  Not an ideal solution, of course, but it worked.

Second, I think it’s funny and I’m always up for a good laugh.  Even if I have to make myself the butt of the joke. It’s really simple as that.  Also, when I tease others, it helps keep them from getting offended if I can verbally sucker punch myself.

Sure, I get down on myself every now and then but I’m not nearly as bad as I make myself out to be.  It’s just all part of the mask I wear.

Behind the Random: At first, I was going to go with smoking but that’s just so blah.  There’s no real secret joy to smoking.  So I had to delve into my vice bag and pull out another.  Lo and behold, out popped my personal punching bag: me.

#27 – A Sneeze

A sudden build up
The pressure rising higher
Going to pop soon

Head is expanding
Getting harder to breath in
Just want to release

Can’t breath any more
The world is going black now
Will this ever end?

At last a release
Explosion of spit and phlegm
And relief sets in

Is there anything
Worse than a sneeze that is stuck
Inside of your head?

Behind the Random: 

#97 – Describe Your Favortie Part…

…of a woman’s body using only verbs.

Blinking.
Thinking.
Crying.
Lying.
Crinkling.
Wrinkling.
Pleading.
Fleeting.
Brightening.
Frightening.
Fearing.
Tearing.
Smiling.
Riling.
Roaming.
Homing.
Seeking.
Peeking.

Behind the Random: I am a big fan of eyes, no matter the gender.  You can tell a lot by the way a person looks at you.  Even without watching someone’s body language, you can usually pick up on someone’s moods or intentions just by looking into their eyes.

In other news, only 200 left to go.  Yay!