#124 – The Most Troubling Phone Call…

…you hope you never receive.

Me: Hello?

Phone: <heavy breathing>

Me: Hello…?

Phone: <more heavy breathing>

Me: Is anybody there?

Phone: <a faint whisper>

Me: Okay, this isn’t funny.  Who is this?

Phone: <more whispering, it sounds like whoever it is is repeating me>

Me: I’m hanging up now.

Phone: <soft snorting sound, as if someone laughing through their nose>

Me: Seriously, who the hell is this?

Phone: <I hear a distant voice on the other end, “…hell is this?”>

Me: This isn’t funny.  Now I’m just getting mad.  What do you want?

Phone:<this time I hear the distant voice clearly and recognize it as my own, then I hear a new voice through the phone and next to my other ear> Quack.

Behind the Random: Sometimes I wish I had anatidaephobia (fear of being watched by a duck).  Does that sound strange?  Mostly because I’m curious what it would be like to have such a strange and completely irrational and illogical fear.  I know you’re probably asking yourself, “What the hell?  Where would a duck get a phone from?  How would he use said phone?  Would this be consider fowl play?” to which I have to wonder, “Why do you instantly assume the duck is a he, you sexist?!”

Feeling loopy today, so you get a loopy post.  Hope you enjoyed.

#311 – A Death in the Family

You don’t really understand loss until you’ve lost someone important in your family.  Whether it be a parent or grandparent or a child, the pain of that loss is immense.  It drapes over you like a heavy blanket and threatens to smother the life from you.

However, I can tell you that it doesn’t last forever if you don’t let it.  The sense of loss and helplessness will lift up with time.  You’ll never forget the pain you felt though and that general emptiness will live inside you for the rest of your life.  From there, it’s up to you on how you deal with it.

I can’t really begin to describe how to overcome the immense tragedy of losing someone you love.  All I can offer is some words of wisdom:

Don’t cry because they’re gone.  Smile because they were there.

Behind the Random: This one was a harder one to do than usual.  I was sitting here, watching Chuck on Netflix, trying to think of what to write.  I’d get a few lines down then erase them.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  With time running short, I had to basically just pump something out to keep the streak going.  Personally, it’s sappy and a little cliche, with a paraphrased line stolen from my wife.  But hey, it got the job done.

#467 – Write a Script…

…to give telemarketers to solicit donations for starving children in Africa.

Hello sir/madam,

Everyday, you eat at least twice a day.  Sometimes three or four or even five times a day.  You don’t even think about it a lot of the times.  The food is there, the resources are available, and satisfaction is just one pantry away.  If you live in the West, chances are you are well fed.  Very well fed in some cases.

However, half around the world, children lay on filthy mattresses, too weak to even move because they haven’t seen a decent meal in days or even weeks.  Everyday, more children succumb to the gnawing hunger inside them and slip away in agony.

You might be thinking to yourself, “So?  I didn’t choose to live in one of the richest nations in the world where food is bountiful.  Why should I feel guilty for that?” but this isn’t about guilt.  These children didn’t choose to live in the poorest regions of the world.  Who in their right mind would?

Instead, this is a plea to give up a little bit of what you have to help someone with nothing.  Chances are you wouldn’t even notice it missing, and yet it would mean the world for a kid to not go to bed with an empty stomach.  Even giving up half of one meal is more food than most of these kids have ever seen in their lives.

Consider that.

If you would even consider helping, please press 1.  Thank you for listening.

Behind the Random: I don’t do bandwagons.  I don’t do specific causes.  A lot of organizations I don’t even donate to for ethical reasons (if more money goes into the organization than the cause, I’m out).  So that makes this one harder to right since I have to advocate something I don’t financially support myself.  That’s a tough sell.

#364 – Getting Hit by Lightning

They warned you, but you didn’t listen.

What were the rules?  If you can hear thunder, you can be struck.  Stay inside.  If you are outside, don’t stand in the middle of a field.  Alternatively, don’t stand close to the tallest object around.  Specifically, stay away from any metal objects.  Don’t even carry anything metal.

But could you be bothered to listen to any of this advice?  Of course not.  Now look at you.  1.21 gigawatts to the cranium and now you’ve learned a valuable lesson.  You thought those rubber soles would protect you?  Ha!  I wonder if you realized your mistake seconds before it happened, as the hair on your body stood on end.  Or were you shocked when it happened twice.  Shocked.  Get it?  Because you were struck by lightning.


Bet you always believed lightning never strikes twice.  What a silly concept, huh?  Guess now you know better.  Bet that hurt too, didn’t it?  A big hole in your chest now.  Punched right through you too.  Shame about that shirt too.  I guess you could say that fashion was too hot for you.  Sorry, couldn’t help myself.  We found one of your shoes, but the other one is gone.  We have no idea where it wound up.

Think I’m being a dick about this?  Well, next time don’t go running around in a lightning storm then.  You do dumb things, you’re gonna be treated like a dummy.  There are easier ways of getting a Darwin Award, you know.  I have no sympathy for you.

On the plus side, you’re going to have a bitchin’ scar when you get out of the hospital.  All fractal and stuff.  Real futuristic and stuff.  It’s a pity you can’t hear me though.  Guess you need eardrums to really get what I’m saying.  I just hope the next time Zeus tells you it’s time to get your butt inside before he smites you in the face, you listen.

You dumbass.

Behind the Random: Who hasn’t heard a thunderstorm approaching and ran outside to watch the show.  I have.  I’ve spent many a smoke breaks at work watching the gods battle across the heavens.  It’s exhilarating and fun and sometimes terrifying in a oh-so-good kind of way.  Usually, the idea of getting hit by lightning doesn’t even cross your mind.  Getting bit by a shark seems more likely than taken a lance of supercharged energy to the noggin, but it’s not.  It can be a very real threat that can strike at any second, and you don’t have any say in the matter.

Unless you keep your butt inside.


#107 – Your Bedroom…

…from the point of view of a stranger forced to occupy it for a week.

“Wow.  This is a really small room.  Do two people really live in here?  Maybe it just looks small because of all the furniture.  Big bed.  Two large brown dressers, one of which with a tall mirror on it.  Two bedside tables on either side.  There’s barely enough room to change your mind, let alone your clothes.

Speaking of which, there are clothes everywhere.  It’s like a Catholic Charity Drive exploded in here.  That does not make this room seem any bigger.

Hm, let’s see what else we got.  Stuffed animals.  How girly.  That is one old TV.  Thing looks at least twenty years-old.  I wonder if it even still works.  Aw, look at the cute little cheap DVD player next to it.  And yet, no DVDs anywhere.  Odd.  Couple of fantasy books, a little sci-fi.  Well, at least I’ll have something to read the next few days.

Now, do I go through the drawers or not.  Is there anything in there that I don’t want to know about.  Aw, what the heck.  I’m here for a week anyways, I may as well do something.  Wow.  Okay, I was not expecting that.  An autographed picture of Weird Al.  Do I even want to know why that’s hidden away beside the bed?  I think I’ll skip the other drawers…

Sigh, well…I guess this is it for the next week.  Why’d I agree to this again?

Hold on.  Is something moving?  Is something in here with me?  What is that?  It’s getting closer.  I need to get out of here.  I need to…it’s a kitten!  No, wait.  It’s four kittens!  That is so cute!  And suddenly, I’m completely fine with being here.

Well, except for my allergies of course…


Behind the Random: My wife and I aren’t the tidiest people when it comes to our bedroom.  We often toss our clothes off with the abandon of a teenagers in a slasher flick, all though it’s usually more sleep related than anything else.  So it does make our tiny bedroom a little bit tinier.  Still, we usually just use the room to sleep and change so it’s not a big deal.

#211 – Write a Life…

…as a series of postcards.

Greetings from the Birth Canal

Coming home soon, can’t wait to see you and dad. Feels like I’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment.

* * *

Off to Grade 1

Wish you were here.  I’m scared.

* * *

On the Road

Thanks for the bike!  I can’t wait to explore the world!

* * *

Hello from High School!

Everything’s changing so fast.  Hope you’re doing well.

* * *

On the Road Again

I can’t believe I’m driving.  It’s like the world just got even bigger!  This is so awesome!

* * *

Staying at the Heartbreak Hotel

Missing you lots.  Been better, but getting there.

* * *

A Good Time at Graduation!

So glad to spend this time with you.  Thank you for everything.  Now, the next part!

* * *

Having a Wonderful Time Walking Down the Aisle

So happy to find someone to share my travels with.  I never knew how lonely the journey was until I had someone to walk with me.

* * *

Welcome to the World!

Picked up another traveler.  Things are going to get really interesting now.

* * *

The Road to Freedom

Goodbye job, hello retirement.  Maybe some more traveling’s in my future.

* * *

Just Saying Hi from the Last Stop Diner

Last stop before I come home.  Can’t wait to see you and dad again.  Wish you were here.  I’m a little scared.

Behind the Random: I thought this one was going to be fun, but it was more of a hassle than anything.  First I had to think of important milestones in life then translate it into a postcard.  I was getting nothing really and it took longer than I would have liked.  Still though, I’m satisfied with the results, particularly the end.

#299 – You Wake Up With a Nameless Feeling of Dread in Your Gut…

…but you can’t figure out what it is.  Write down everything that could possibly happen during the day that could be something for you to dread.

A heavy box could easily fall from one of the racks at work, bludgeoning my head in.  Maybe a fire will finally start in the meat section, blazing out of control and cooking everything from pork chops to employees.  If one of the bolts holding the shelves in the back room were to snap, the weight of the contents could send the heavy steel racks toppling down, splattering me into a fine paste.  Unless someone isn’t paying attention while running the power equipment and turning a corner too fast, goring me painfully.

However, I could die on my way to work.  Get T-boned by a truck in the middle of an intersection, crushing the car like an empty tin can and turning me into something akin to hamburger.  Or maybe suffer a flat tire or brake failure and run through a post or fence, causing something long and sharp to hurtle through the windshield and into something rather soft and vital.  Or maybe the engine will just explode in a fiery roar, incinerating everything inside into a greasy blackened husk.

That’s assuming of course that I don’t trip down the stairs, toppling head over heel until snapping my neck on the bottom with a sickening snap.  Perhaps I’ll choke on my food, forcing my face to turn all sorts of funny little colors as the life is drained from my body.  That’s assuming I don’t slip on a wet spot left in the middle of the kitchen and smash my head against the sharp counter, cracking my skull open and spilling gray matter all over the floor.  There’s always the possibility of a fire breaking out at home too.

It’s all moot, however, if I choke to death on my own spit while I sleep.  Which doesn’t sound pleasant at all.

And that’s just the lethal issues I face.  What if it’s my wife who will face one of these terrible fates?  Or maybe she’ll be tired of my face and finally leave me alone and heartbroken?  What would I do and where would I go?  Then again, what if she gets another traffic ticket?  One that we can’t afford this time.

Maybe I’m fired.  My work is shutting down and I’m jobless now.  It’s slim pickings out there and we can’t afford to miss a paycheck right now.  We could lose our home and end up living in the streets.  Or it might not be that bad and I’m just getting demoted back to the bottom.  That’s still a job, right?  A serious pay cut, but not that bad all things considered.  That is unless the store did start ablaze while I wasn’t there.  That’s a totally different way of getting fired, now isn’t it?

So many ways that the day can go terribly terribly wrong.  Of course, it could also just be gas.

Behind the Random: As a pessimist, I tend to look at everything that can wrong with something.  There’s no way I could realistically point out every vague way a day can go bad, let along consider every specific thing.  It was morbidly fun to think of all the different ways I could die in a single day though.  And that’s just scratching the surface.  Makes you wonder how people ever survive 24 hours, let alone years.