#395 – Pick a Dictator…

…and write about an imaginary morning or day of his life, focusing on the banalities.

Fidel Castro yawned and stretched as he woke up, feeling his muscles strain and pop.  His eyes bleary and mind groggy, he turned himself until he was sitting on his large bed.  On the bedside table, his alarm clock declared it 5:45AM, 15 minutes before his alarm was set to go off.  As he stood up, his knees cracked loudly and traveled down his legs into his feet with each sleepy step he took towards the bathroom.

After relieving himself at the toilet, emptying his bladder from his drinks he enjoyed the night before.  The pressure in his bladder subsided and the urgency faded away.  Satisified, he gave his little dictator an extra shake for good luck the tucked him back away.

Castro stepped over to the large sink and inspected himself in the mirror, as he did every morning.  It seemed another grey hair had slipped into his black beard.  Before too long, it would be more ash than not.  He sighs, reminding himself that even he can’t control aging.  Not yet anyways, he chuckles wryly as he turns on the tap and picks up his toothbrush.

As Castro tops the bristles with a smidge of toothpaste and begins scrubbing the plaque from his teeth, his mind wanders over the day he has in store for him.  The meetings he has set up, the papers he needs signed, liberties to crush.  Normal activities of the leader of a country seeking to control what he has.  He made a mental note to check with his secretary about his surprise birthday gift to his general.

After he was happy with his brushing, Castro spit and rinsed his mouth out.  A shot of mouthwash, a moment of gargling and swishing and another load of spit was sent into the sink.  Beside the counter hung a towel that he used to wipe the little bit of spittle that inevitably got caught in his beard every morning.

Behind the mirror was a cabinet that contained his other toiletries.  A quick spray of antiperspirant and a little of that expensive cologne the leader of Peru got him for Christmas last year.

One more quick check to ensure his pearly whites were world class quality, Castro gave himself a grin and a thumbs up.  He was ready to face the day.

Behind the Random: Naturally, my first thought was to do Hitler but then everyone is going to do Hitler first.  He’s the go-to bad guy in the class of world leaders.  So I humm’d and haw’d a bit about who else I could do and realized that you never hear about Castro anymore.  In fact, I had to Google to check if he’s even still alive or not (he is in case you were wondering yourself).  So I did.  It was a challenge, but when you want to learn to write fiction you have to learn to write the mundane as well as the fantastic…*grumble*

#214 – Write a Stand-Up Comedy Routine…

…to address the United Nations.

Thank you folks, thank you for having me here today.  Wow, would you look at this place.  I know you guys see it all the time but damn, just look at this place.  It’s huge.  And you guys get to hang out here all the time.  That’s just amazing.

Anyways, when they asked me to perform here, my first immediate thought was, “Hell yeah, a gig!  No more peanut butter and spam sandwiches for a week!” but then I realized that I actually have no idea what it is the UN does aside from what they show on movies.  Which is usually nothing or die.

So I did what any responsible person would do when they didn’t know something and I googled it.  I looked at so many member names, building structure, and assembly issues, I’m sure my name now belongs on a few watch lists.  Certainly explains the Big Al’s Plumbing van that’s been sitting outside my house for the last week.

The first thing I noticed, and I have to point this out because it’s just so great, is just how freakin’ adorable that Ban Ki-moon is.  Every picture I see of the man just warms my heart.  He looks like he’d be your next door neighbor or working the produce section of a supermarket, always with a smile and a friendly wave.  I just can’t believe that he’s the most powerful person in the building right now.

That can’t be an easy job either, being Secretary-General.  I imagine that’s a lot like herding cats.  That are on fire.  In a room full of dogs.  Who are also on fire.  Having to mediate between disputes and find the most diplomatic solution for every situation?  Yeah, I can barely get my kids to agree what television show to watch half the time so getting two people looking to kill one another and take their stuff to sit down and talk out their differences is quite the achievement.  I don’t care how successful he is, that’s just impressive that he tries.

Being the ignorant slob I am, I never really bothered to pay attention to the world’s issues if they weren’t in my backyard.  Hell, I don’t even know what happens there most of the time.  I did know that UN met to try and deal with these far away problems but when I took a look at the list of global problems on the docket, I was a little dismayed to discover that the impending zombie apocalypse wasn’t on there.

So I can only conclude that those plans are all carefully protected secrets.  Because dealing with AIDS, decolonization, and global warming are all worthy goals to strive for but they won’t be worth it in the end when 95% of the human population are flesh-eating monsters.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this could put a crimp in a few plans.I’m gonna leave you guys now to think that over.  I’ve got a couple of ideas on the matter if any of you want to pick my brain.  Not literally of course.Night folks, enjoy saving the world.

Behind the Random: I’ve always said that everything in the world can be made funny.  However, what I neglect to mention is that it takes real talent to take something decidedly not funny and make it so.  I am not really that guy.  And yes, during my research of the United Nations, I went just a little d’awwwww for the Secretary-General and his adorableness.

Update 05/17/14: Apparently, the US does in fact have a battle plan when the undead rise up to feast on our tender, tender flesh.  (Actually, it’s a training program for disaster coordination planners and a little tongue-in-cheek but still a great read).