#269 – List the Ways in Which You Fight Life

First and foremost, I use comedy.  Whether it’s reading humor columns or watching a funny movie, that’s become my safety blanket.  And the more serious life gets, the more I joke.  It’s a combination safety blanket and shield.

Of course, my cynicism is a boon as well.  By playing the part of the pessimist, I always expect the worst possible outcome.  This works two ways: First, if I’m right then I’m mentally and emotionally (and sometimes even physically) prepared for the coming failure.  Second, if I’m wrong then that’s just a happy happy surprise made all that much more happier.  Yay!

Sometimes, I use books, movies, and video games to distract me from the mundane and murderous moments.  The more fantastic the story, the less life can bury me with its smothering wickedness.  Escapism at its finest.

When things become near unbearable, I completely retreat within myself.  Reality becomes a thing of myth inside a legend that I only hear in hushed whispers.  There, I am lord and master of my domain and nothing truly horrible ever befalls me.  It’s a world that has served me well in the past and will undoubtedly again in the future.

Behind the Random: Are these healthy ways of dealing with stress and failure?  Aside from the humor, probably not.  Avoidance and hiding never really solve any problems, but (and this is a pretty wide but) it has worked to allow problems to move on by themselves.  Like a turtle in his shell.  Problems are still problems but no longer my problems.

#214 – Write a Stand-Up Comedy Routine…

…to address the United Nations.

Thank you folks, thank you for having me here today.  Wow, would you look at this place.  I know you guys see it all the time but damn, just look at this place.  It’s huge.  And you guys get to hang out here all the time.  That’s just amazing.

Anyways, when they asked me to perform here, my first immediate thought was, “Hell yeah, a gig!  No more peanut butter and spam sandwiches for a week!” but then I realized that I actually have no idea what it is the UN does aside from what they show on movies.  Which is usually nothing or die.

So I did what any responsible person would do when they didn’t know something and I googled it.  I looked at so many member names, building structure, and assembly issues, I’m sure my name now belongs on a few watch lists.  Certainly explains the Big Al’s Plumbing van that’s been sitting outside my house for the last week.

The first thing I noticed, and I have to point this out because it’s just so great, is just how freakin’ adorable that Ban Ki-moon is.  Every picture I see of the man just warms my heart.  He looks like he’d be your next door neighbor or working the produce section of a supermarket, always with a smile and a friendly wave.  I just can’t believe that he’s the most powerful person in the building right now.

That can’t be an easy job either, being Secretary-General.  I imagine that’s a lot like herding cats.  That are on fire.  In a room full of dogs.  Who are also on fire.  Having to mediate between disputes and find the most diplomatic solution for every situation?  Yeah, I can barely get my kids to agree what television show to watch half the time so getting two people looking to kill one another and take their stuff to sit down and talk out their differences is quite the achievement.  I don’t care how successful he is, that’s just impressive that he tries.

Being the ignorant slob I am, I never really bothered to pay attention to the world’s issues if they weren’t in my backyard.  Hell, I don’t even know what happens there most of the time.  I did know that UN met to try and deal with these far away problems but when I took a look at the list of global problems on the docket, I was a little dismayed to discover that the impending zombie apocalypse wasn’t on there.

So I can only conclude that those plans are all carefully protected secrets.  Because dealing with AIDS, decolonization, and global warming are all worthy goals to strive for but they won’t be worth it in the end when 95% of the human population are flesh-eating monsters.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this could put a crimp in a few plans.I’m gonna leave you guys now to think that over.  I’ve got a couple of ideas on the matter if any of you want to pick my brain.  Not literally of course.Night folks, enjoy saving the world.

Behind the Random: I’ve always said that everything in the world can be made funny.  However, what I neglect to mention is that it takes real talent to take something decidedly not funny and make it so.  I am not really that guy.  And yes, during my research of the United Nations, I went just a little d’awwwww for the Secretary-General and his adorableness.

Update 05/17/14: Apparently, the US does in fact have a battle plan when the undead rise up to feast on our tender, tender flesh.  (Actually, it’s a training program for disaster coordination planners and a little tongue-in-cheek but still a great read).

#397 – Write a Music Review…

…that doesn’t refer to any other bands, musicians, or genres, but can refer to anything else.

Believe it or not, but ‘Weird’ Al Yankovich is coming onto his 35th year in the music business.  So today we look back at his career filled with zany parodies.

No matter what the subject matter, Weird Al has always approached it with humour, though his tact might leave something to be desired with some people.  He holds a mirror to the world and tells us to look beyond the lyrics of music.  Everything can be funny, to the right person.

Starting out as a shrill parody artist, Weird Al was more known for his shrieking lampooning of popular music and less for his own original work.  However, this worked for him and he elevated himself to a cultural icon.  Eventually, being parodied by Weird Al became a status symbol for many other artists, proving that they had made it.

Over the years, Al has experimented with many different forms but he’s always returned to his roots, which is his greatest strength.  Much like gucamole, it’s not for everyone but those who love it love it passionately.

Love him or hate him, few can deny that Weird Al is the pioneer of parody music.  His work is the benchmark that other parodies are held up to, like a brother younger kids aspire to be like.

Behind the Random: I am not what you would call a music fan.  I have a few songs here and there that I enjoy that are usually linked to moments or people in my life that I like to be reminded of but that’s about it.  However, I am a huge fan of Weird Al and through his work, I have been introduced to genres of music that I would never have listened to had it not been for him.

Having said that, I did not enjoy this challenge simply because of my musical ineptitude (that’s the word of the day, boys and girls).  However, I think I met the challenge adequately, even though it’s a bit dry.  I’m sure I could do better but let’s face it, I just wanted it over with.

#490 – You’re in the Interview Stage…

…of the Miss America pageant.  Besides your desire for world peace, what will you tell the judges?

“I want to bring humour to the world because, according to 4 out of 5 doctors, laughter is the best medicine.  Of course, those doctors should probably have their licenses reviewed.  Still, too many people take life too serious to the point it makes them physically sick.  I believe the world would benefit if more people learned to laugh at themselves.”

Behind the Random: Another one of those assignments that I didn’t really care for.  I don’t watch beauty pangeants, so I don’t know much about the whole interview process (aside from the whole world peace thing, which everyone knows).  I tried to do a little research, but didn’t really find anything interesting so I just winged it.  On the plus side, it’s done and over with.  So there’s that at least.  See y’all tomorrow!

#383 – Polite Dinner Conversation…

…isn’t supposed to include religion, politics, or money.  Write a scene at the dinner table where one or more of these topics is discussed.

Disclaimer: This post deals with things some people may find offensive.  You’ve been warned.

Three people are sitting at a table, eating their meal in uneasy silence.

Father: <clears his throat>

Mother: Hm?

Father: …nothing.

Son: Go ahead.  Say it.

Father: …I have nothing to say.

Son: I think you have plenty to say.

Father: <doesn’t say a word>

Son: Don’t stop now.  You were pretty vocal about it before I moved out.  So just say it.  You don’t approve of how I live my life.

Mother: Now, let’s just calm down and enjoy dinner…

Father: <sets his fork beside his plate, clearly trying to keep his calm> No.  Let him finish.  He knows everything now, let him share his wisdom.

Son: <tosses his fork on his plate, causing his mother to jump from the sound> No.  I know there’s no changing your mind.  There’s no convincing you.  You’ll just go on thinking your stupid little thoughts.

Father: <points a finger at him> Careful there, kid.  I may not agree with what you believe in now, but I won’t have you insult me at my own table.

Son: <gets up from his chair> That works for me.  I only came because mom begged me to.

Mother: Not like this.  Don’t end it like this, you two.

Father: Let him go.  Let him be with his kind.

Son: Yeah.  My kind.  The right kind. <turns to storm out of the house>

Father: If you walk out that door, you are done, mister.

Son: <pauses at the door and sighs> I’m sorry dad.  Really.  But I just…I can’t do this anymore.  I meant what I said. <walks out the door, quietly shutting it behind him>

Father:  <stares at the door for a moment before picking up his plate> I’ll never understand that, kid. I wonder what Buddhism has that Cannibalism doesn’t…?

Mother: I don’t know, dear.  Pass me a lung?

Father: <passes over a piece of meat> I hope our new mailman is as good as this one.  Not too gamey.

Mother: Mm-hm.

Behind the Random: This one was a struggle to do, but I knew there was going to be some kind of bizzare twist at the end, which I’m fond of if you haven’t noticed by this point.  I considered having them different things from aliens to vampires to Nazis to nudists.  Somehow, cannibals won…not sure how that happened.

#595 – Ten Headlines You’d Like to See…

…in the New York Times and why?

1. The Dead Rise!

Like most geeks, I enjoy a good zombie apocalypse now and then.  Naturally, I know the real thing is going to be more on the terrifying side, but it’d still be something to see.

2. New Healthy Cigarettes Unveiled.

I enjoy smoking but sadly am part of a dying breed (ba dum ch!).  So if they could develop a type of cigarette that is healthy and doesn’t stink or stain your fingers and teeth, I’d be all over that.  And I don’t mean those e-cigarettes.  An innovative idea, but not what I’m looking for.

Alternatively…

3. Affordable Cure For Cancer Found.

Because who doesn’t want to cure cancer?  Well, except for cancer fetishists, but that’s a vast minority.  Sadly, this was almost a headline in early 2012, but big pharmaceuticals didn’t want to put money into the research because it is cheap.  Yay for humans.

4. Pepsi Conquers Coke

I’m a Pepsi guy.  My best friend is a Coke guy.  I’d like to be able to throw the headline in his face.  Because that’s just how friends roll.

5. Rogue Cop Saves City

Being a action movie fan, especially of Die Hard and Lethal Weapon types, just once I’d like to see life imitate art.  Complete with insane car chases, exploding buildings, and one liners.

6. Dinosaurs Cloned!

Yes, I’ve seen Jurassic Park.  Yes, I know it’s worst idea in a long sad history of bad ideas.  But dammit, I want to see a T-Rex just once before I die.  Is that so wrong?!

7. We Are Not Alone.

To learn that we are, in fact, not alone in this universe.  I would like to think a race of advanced beings would help us ascend to a higher state of being but, let’s be honest here, the odds of that happening are pretty slim.

A race arriving on Earth would probably seek our resources or, and sadly more likely, our own arrogance and fear of the unknown would lead to an intergalactic debacle.

8. Flying Sharks; Skies Dangerous

That might be my greratest fear but I can’t discount the idea of a flying shark being one of the coolest things a person could see in their life.  Besides, I live in the prairies so the chances of them making it this far inland are pretty low.

9. Quantum TV A Hit!

Messing around with the past or future is always a bad idea, so time travel doesn’t make the list.  However, the ability to see into the past without altering it would be pretty cool.  If I can’t see a T-Rex in real life, I’d settle for a real one on a screen.

10. An End To War

Certainly the most idealistic of my entries.  I’ve never really understood the need for war.  Fundamentally I mean.  Killing people over land, resources, or differences of religion, creed and hat size never really made much sense to me.  I prefer my violence to be on the screen and paper rather in real life.

And I’m well aware that this jibes with some of my previous headlines.  If I can’t have one, I want the other.

Behind the Random: This one was a bit of stretch though a fun exercise.  It really made me think of how I want to see the world in five, ten, or even twenty years from now.  Or just wishful thinking on some parts.

#626 – You are a contemporary Hollywood executive…

…writing to James Joyce to suggest ways Ulysses could be made more ‘filmable.’

To Mr. Joyce,

Art Matthews, production manager for NRD Films, writing you today to talk about an opportunity, my friend.  Right now, my boss’s boss  have bought the production rights to the film based on your book.  We love what you’re doing and want to help you realize your vision on the big screen to share with all the little boys and girls of the world.

I know you’ve heard all the horrors of the dreaded ‘reboot’ but we at NRD Films don’t see it as a reboot so much as a re-telling of the story.  Such an epic tale needs…nay, deserves to be told using the greatest medium in the world, modern day cinema.

Now I know you’re not a stupid man, so you know that some things just don’t translate well from paper on to screen.  So naturally, we’re gonna need to tweak a few things here and there.  Make it more relatable to the audience and do away with some of those little things that would just be difficult to explain in the span of the movie.  Here’s a few ideas that we’ve been tossing around.

Firstly, overseas movies don’t market well.  We here at NRD Films feel that, instead of Irishmen meeting in Dublin, we use Irish-Americans meeting in Reno, Las Vegas.  Both of them on a path of destiny or something like that.  Audience eat that stuff up.

Now, I’ve been talking with a few people  to sniff out any potential people to star and I think I’ve found our two guys for the leads.  Sean Patrick Flanery and Denis Leary.  Both are of Irish descent and close to the same age.  I think there could be some great energy coming off these guys and Leary’s mouth would certainly capture the energy of your dialogue.

Which reminds me of another minor little change we’re tossing around; we need to tone down the swearing by, ballpark figure, 90%.  I mean, we’re looking for a PG-13 movie here because more butts in the seats means more revenue for all of us and that’s never a bad thing, am I right?

Back to possible leads, we’ve been in talks with Johnny Depp to possibly play the love interest of Bloom.  Let’s face it, it is a new century and people love that gay stuff.  They eat it up with a spoon.  And Johnny has already agreed to a love scene.  If Sean isn’t game, well, that’s why we have CGI, right?

Of course, no epic movie could go far without a director.  Naturally, we want the best of the best and there aren’t many that could capture the real visceral content from your pages than Quentin Tarantino.  I know he’s not known for doing family-friendly stuff, but we feel that he is the man for the job.   Quentin is already excited and drawing up his own ideas that he should be faxing you soon.

And what’s better than one movie?  A trilogy.  We want to split the movie into three parts and release them over six years.  Two years each to grow up the hype and demand for the next.  If Peter Jackson can make a story about two munchkins climbing a mountain span three movies, I’m sure we can make this work.

I’m really anticipating the work we are doing and look forward to hearing your input.  I would like to point out that we have the rights and don’t need your permission to make these changes.  We just humbly request your input so that we can make a faithful and profitable film.

I know you are a busy man, doing that author thing, so I’ll let you go to do some mental mastication.  The next time you’re in town, we should definitely do lunch.  My assistant has included my card with this letter so call my people and we’ll set something up.

Ciao,

Art Matthews

Executive Productions Manager, NRD Films

Behind the Random: This one was a lot of fun to do.  It was a thrill to just be a sleazy executive who thought he knew more than the person he was talking about.  I guess you could also consider it my views on Hollywood these days, but I don’t have any first hand experience with that so it’s more like my armchair commentary.

#618 – Go Through a Day saying Yes…

…to every impulse and offer.  If you are not physically restrained, write about the experience and where you ended up.

I thought it was going to be like that movie with Jim Carrey, Yes Man.  I thought that it was going to reveal to me a world of possibilities if I would just open my mind and take risks.  Sadly, that isn’t the case.

As I stand here now, watching the house get swallowed up in flames as half-naked clowns flee the scene, I know where I went wrong.  There really are some things that should never be said yes to.  Such as trying to give a moose a perm or stealing rear-view mirrors from the cars parked at Moxie’s.

Not that it hasn’t been a learning experience.  I now know that a cat can survive a 200 foot fall with no injury.  I also know that a human can, in fact, drink a 4 litre jug of milk.  Not keep it down, mind you.

But with that knowledge comes consequences.  I don’t think my fiance will be calling me anytime soon.  I’m positive my parents are the ones who called the cops on me, though I don’t blame them.  I would have called the cops on myself if someone told me to.  Actually, that would probably be the most reasonable suggestion I could have gotten at this point.

If there is a catch all lesson to be learned in this, it’s that there has to be boundaries.  The world is full of possibilities and opportunities.   You just have to be a little more discerning.  You never know what road will take you where.   One moment, you could be standing on the highest point of your city, taking in the incredible view.  The next, you could be signing up for Scientology after catching a cab with Tom Cruise.

Life is more about yes and no.  It’s about risk versus reward.  Take chances but don’t be stupid about it.  Buy a lottery ticket every now and then, but don’t blow your last dollar on one.  Go left instead of right for a change, but don’t walk through a random person’s house.  Ask that girl you like out, but don’t grind against her while making panting noises.  A world without limits is almost as scary as a world with. 

Gladly, it’s almost over though.  I only have a few more minutes before I’m done this challenge.  I just need to steal a cops taser and zap my friend while I photobomb his mugshot.

TTY10220

Behind the Random: A completely ficitonal account.  I swear.  No cats were harmed in the making of this post.  Some clowns lost their pants, but that had nothing to do with me. I attempted the assignment, but all that happened that I said yes to was I volunteered for the Safety Commitee at work and my step-son asked me to play video games with him.  Stellar stuff, that.

See what the wife had to wrote about this…

 

#307 – A Day in the Life…

…of the person sitting next to you.

I wake up sprawled on the floor, the warm sun heating my body against the linoleum of the kitchen.  My sight is blurry at first as my eyes adjust to the bright light.

Getting to my feet, I yawn and stretch.  My joints pop and creak as I arch my back.  I don’t remember falling asleep in the kitchen but that wouldn’t be the first time.

Hunger strikes my belly and it lets out a dissatisfied growl of protest.  However, I notice my woman hasn’t laid out my food yet.

Irritation tweaks at my face, forcing me to grumble.  She knows I like to eat as soon as I awaken.  Yet once again, she disappoints me.  I don’t ask much.  Is such a simple task so easy to mess up.

Clearly she hasn’t learned from the last time she forgot her place in this relationship.  Squaring my shoulders, I head for the stairs that lead to the bedroom where she is undoubtedly still asleep while I sit here, miserable and hungry.

I plod up the steps, each one making me angrier.  However, before I reach the top, I hear a giggle.  Her youngest child, a little girl, looks down at me from the top of the stairs.  Immediately I freeze.

I hold on to hope that today will be different.  Once again I am wrong.  The girl’s smile widens and she practically flies down the stairs at me.  Its fight or flight.  Neither happens as she wraps her arms around me in a suffocating embrace.  I manage a startled squeak before the air is pushed out of my lungs as I struggle against her vice-like hold.

My attempts to wrestle free only make her hold on to me tighter.  Escape seems impossible until finally a loud commanding voice barks from the top of the stairs, demanding that I be released.  Reluctantly, the girl reliquishes her grasp of me and I’m able to breathe again.  In fear, she vanishes down the stairs to escape her mothers wrath.

My woman takes me into her arms, much more gently than her daughter ever could, and takes me the rest of the way up the stairs and into the bedroom.  There, she lays me down beside her and strokes my side.  She is so gentle and loving that I almost forget why I was heading up to see her to begin with.

Before I can report my dissatisfaction however, she presents me with some chips that she’d been snacking on earlier.  In a forgiving mood, I contentedly share in her food as I begin to plan the rest of my day.  Maybe I would clean out underneath the couch.  Or perhaps investigate that strange dancing dot that continues to elude me.  I do know that another nap in the sun is in order.

Life may have it’s ups and downs, but there’s nothing I’d rather be than a cat.

Behind the Random: If I had followed the rules, I would have likely written about my wife but that would have been too normal and not as much fun.  So I chose one of our cats instead.  And anyone who argues that a cat doesn’t count as a person clearly hasn’t spent time with a cat.  They have more personality than some people I’ve met in my life.

#614 – Write a scene…

…in which two people leave believing opposite things are true.

“I don’t know what to write for this assignment…” I wondered aloud as I looked over the instructions again.  “Maybe I’ll just cop out and write about two guys arguing about how the glass is half empty or half full.”

My wife gave me an incredulous look.  “Don’t do that.  What about all the arguements I’ve had with your best friend.  We always walk away thinking the opposite.  Or our talks about religion or politics.”

I shrug.  “I could but that would take up too much time, I think.  I don’t want to spend all night on this project.  I think it would just be quicker to do this.  Besides, I have had discussions about optimism and pessism before, so I can draw from that.”

“I still think you’re being lazy.” My wife said with a sigh as she went back to her laptop.

“What you call lazy, I call efficient.” I responded back as I sat down at my own computer to begin my post.

Behind the Random: This one was another struggle, but fortunately I had a discussion with the wife about this before I wrote it.  So, while paraphrased, it is the conversation I had with her.