#393 – Describe a Mortician’s Meeting…

…with a newly bereaved family.  Remember that he isn’t just dealing with grief but selling a funeral package and getting necessary information about the deceased and the survivors.

There was that awkward tenseness in the air.  It was the kind of tension that no amount of levity could cut through, a cold chainmail that blanketed the entire room.  Devin adjusted his tie and patted the breast pocket of his jacket, making sure the brochure was still there.

This was, no doubt, the hardest part of the job.  Many families weren’t ready to accept their loss and it was a delicate balance between console and saleman.  Fortunately, Devin was trained by the best of the best in the business.  There wasn’t a sale that he couldn’t close and a family he couldn’t satisfy with the level of service he provided.

The latest clients, a man and a woman with bleary red eyes and gaunt faces, sat by the door as they went over their own brochure.  As the salesman approached them, the both looked up and Devin could see the immense sadness welling up in their eyes.

“Alright folks,” The salesman said with a clap of his hands, “Let’s say we get that rotting corpse off that cold slab and into a nice comfy coffin while there’s still some flesh on those bones, huh?”

A mortified look crossed Devin’s face even before he finished hearing the sentence.  That was Ric for you.  The worst salesman ever.  He couldn’t sell water to a man burning to death.  As the couple stormed out of the theater, Ric just stood there with a confused look on his face.

Devin just shook his head and turned towards his waiting clients.  This is why you didn’t hire family, he told himself.

Behind the Random: I’ve been fortunate enough in my life that I haven’t had to do the enviable chore of making funeral arrangements yet.  I can only imagine how hard that would be, especially if it was a sudden and unexpected death.  I think it would take a special kind of person to be a mortician.  Not this guy, that’s for sure.

#508 – Write a “Bucket List” for your Favorite Superhero

• Buy a house for Aunt May
• Take tropical vacation with Mary Jane (sans supervillains)
• Get Jonah to print something nice about Spider-Man
• Web Logan’s motorcycle to the top of the Empire States Building
• Give Doctor Doom an Atomic Wedgie (Does the doc even wear underwear or does he go commando?)
• Teach Hulk proper grammar.  From a distance.  A vast distance.
• Shave Osborn’s head.  Seriously, that hair.
• Find out who the heck Deadpool is actually talking to.  Actually, maybe I don’t want to know.
• Do my best not to get shot into space or sucked into another alternate dimension/alternate reality.
• Alternatively, discover a reality wholly populated by redheaded supermodels.  (If you ever see this list, MJ, I’m totally kidding…)
• Never get cloned again.
• Go at least one week without having to repair or replace my suit.
• Grow a kick-ass goatee like Tony’s.
• Find out who this Stan Lee guy really is.

Behind the Random: I imagine, Spidey being the prankster and mischievous hero that he is, he would have quite the comical bucket list.  On the downside, his lifestyle means that death is always right around the corner.  However, with the odds of actually staying dead pretty poor in a comic book universe, he’ll always have another chance to finish his list.  At least until sales drop too low.

#504 – Choose a Family Story for Which You were not Present…

…Choose the narrator of the piece and write the event in his or her voice.

I don’t remember where we were coming from, I think it was Park Lake or something, but me, my brother and your brother were in the camper while grandpa drove us home.  Me and your brother dared my brother to get into the cupboard and he actually did it.  As soon as the door was closed, we tied a rope around the handle so he couldn’t get out.

Suddenly, we were on the gravel road and the whole camper is just shaking and jumping all over the place.  We can hear my brother getting all slammed around inside the cupboard and he’s crying to get out.  Finally, we hit this big bump and we can hear his body actually hit the bottom of the cupboard with a thud.  Now he’s pounding on the door, trying to get it open yelling, “Let me out!  Let me out!”

So we untie the rope and the door opens up and my brother’s laying there inside the cupboard all flipped upside down.  He looked pissed.  We asked if he was okay and he just looks at us and says, “The hell do you think?!”

Behind the Random: This is one of my favorite stories my cousin told me about the torment he and my brother put his through.  They were evil masterminds and would constantly torment me and others.  The story does lose some of it’s flair though because my cousin is very active when he talks, especially when he tells a story, and it really emphasizes the tale when he’s throwing his body around.

#537 – Jot Down Some Notes About a Long-Ago Family Event…

…Then interview a family member about the event.  Now write a piece featuring the differences between the two memories.

It was definitely in Calgary, that much we agreed on.  It was my 25th birthday and we managed to get a bunch of my friends out for the annual entertainment expo.  A few drinks later and somebody had the brilliant idea of going to the strip club.  Both of us are a little hazy on who suggested it, what with the alcohol floating around in our bloodstream at this point.  I wasn’t interested but it gained popularity so off we went into the night.

The story of the peelers was about as expected..  There was a cover charge that was a bit much and the drinks were expensive as all get out.  Apparently there were naked women dancing on a stage to loud obnoxious music, but who has time to notice that.  However, we both agreed the best part of the night was the journey back to the hotel.

It was getting pretty late and the ladies of the night had taken their stations along the street.  It was like a safari and we were wildlife experts creating a documentary.  At one point, we witnessed an promise of services between customer and client.  He turned to me and said, “We could hold him for citizens arrest.”  Apparently I found this both amazing and exciting and was very interested in exercising that right.

Unfortunately, this fantastic opportunity passed by and we continued on our way to the hotel to sleep off our drunken stupor.

Behind the Random: I’m not a fan of these prompts that require extra work besides writting the prompt but as luck would have it, I just talked about the aforementioned night with my brother-from-another-mother so that became the subject of the post.  He’s not blood but he may as well be.

#311 – A Death in the Family

You don’t really understand loss until you’ve lost someone important in your family.  Whether it be a parent or grandparent or a child, the pain of that loss is immense.  It drapes over you like a heavy blanket and threatens to smother the life from you.

However, I can tell you that it doesn’t last forever if you don’t let it.  The sense of loss and helplessness will lift up with time.  You’ll never forget the pain you felt though and that general emptiness will live inside you for the rest of your life.  From there, it’s up to you on how you deal with it.

I can’t really begin to describe how to overcome the immense tragedy of losing someone you love.  All I can offer is some words of wisdom:

Don’t cry because they’re gone.  Smile because they were there.

Behind the Random: This one was a harder one to do than usual.  I was sitting here, watching Chuck on Netflix, trying to think of what to write.  I’d get a few lines down then erase them.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  With time running short, I had to basically just pump something out to keep the streak going.  Personally, it’s sappy and a little cliche, with a paraphrased line stolen from my wife.  But hey, it got the job done.

#317 – Think of a Person you Despise…

…now describe all the wonderful things about that person.

I remember he loved his animals, especially that little German Shepherd pup.  It was the only time I really seen a side of him that wasn’t mean and angry all the time.  Something about animals just flipped his switch and made him a better person, even for just a moment.

That explains why he took his dog on the job sites with him.  He was already a pretty hard worker, when he wasn’t drunk or high and even then he almost never missed a day of work.  I’m not sure if that’s a testament to his character or the relationship he had with his brother, who owned the company he worked for.

That was probably the most spectacular thing.  His brother and him were like the sun and moon.  In his own way, he loved his family I suppose and they him to give him so many chances.  No matter how many times he let them down, they would just wait for him to pull himself back up and dust himself off and then welcome him back in.

The best thing about the man though, the thing that makes him so great, is that he’s no longer in my life to cause pain and fear.  Just another chapter in my life lost in the book of time.  And that’s a wonderful thing.

Behind the Random: If I had to name the person that comes closest to me actually hating, it would be my mom’s ex-boyfriend.  I’ve written about him before, about how abusive and angry he was.  This was really hard because there isn’t a lot about him that was good.  I’m pretty sure most of this is exaggeration, excpet for the dog part.  He really did love that dog.

#40 – Describe Each Person in Your Family…

…with just one word.

Wife: Passionate
Stepson: Gifted
Stepdaughter: Imaginitive
Dad: Daring
Mom: Smart
Brother: Driven
Dad’s Dad: Strong
Dad’s Mom: Loving
Mom’s Dad: Tough
Mom’s Mom: Understanding
Mom’s Little Brother: Witty
Dad’s Big Brother: Stubborn
Dad’s Little Brother: Different
Dad’s Big Sister: Old-Fashioned
Dad’s Little Sister: Compassionate
Step-Aunt: Giving

Behind the Random: This one was a short one.  I suppose I could elaborate one the word but then that wouldn’t be using one word to describe them.  I also could have gone through all of my family but I have a lot of cousins and some of them I don’t know well enough to really accurately describe in one word without becoming redundant.

#282 – A Family (Not Your Own)…

…on the street where you grew up.

They were the Killops.  They lived down the lock from me and my family at the end of a little cul de sac.  Their house was a big brown old looking building with a long garage that ramped down to a massive garage.  In their front yard was the biggest pine tree I’d ever seen, though I was still young at the time and didn’t know what a pine tree was so it really could have been average size.

Mr. Killop was a big man with more to his gut than he had on his head.  He had a great big nose that would turn red when he laughed and little eyes that almost glowed when he got excited.  Mr. Killop liked to tell jokes that no one ever got and he would poke them and ask if they got it before doing this huge laugh.

Ms. Killop was a lot like Mr. Killop.  She was big and round and soft with big glasses and hair that was actually fake.  More than once, a mean kid would snatch it from her head and run away with it and she would give chase after them, making all sorts of threats.  She always smelled of strawberries and bug spray, which is a very odd combination.

Their daughter, Maria Killop, was a teenager when I met her.  She didn’t really like kids and we didn’t like her so we stayed away from each other.  She didn’t look a thing like her parents, being tall and thin and having curly red hair.  We used to joke that she was adopted and she was actually an alien left behind by her kind for being too annoying.

Adrian Killop was the middle child.  He was okay sometimes.  Other times he was a monster.  I guess it depended on the time, the day, the position of the sun, and which way the wind blew.  He was a husky kid with no neck and short dark hair, Adrian was destined to look like his dad when he grew up.  Poor kid.

Then there was Jordan.  He was shy and didn’t really talk to people much.  A bit of a mama boy, he would go crying to her everytime he skinned his knee or bumped his head, which was actually a lot since he was very clumsy.  The only person I knew who could fall up the stairs while going down them.  Still, he was a nice guy and never said anything mean about anybody.

The Killops place was always doing something.  Every month, there would be BBQs or movies or game nights.  I can’t count the number of times I was in their basement playing Clue or Trouble or Monopoly (or trying to anyways.  It really isn’t a game a bunch of kids should be playing).  Everybody on the block loved the Killops.

So it came as a surprise when the cops were there that autumn night.  Police tape seperated us from whatever happened inside.  No one ever told us what really transpired in there.  All we knew was that the Killops were gone.

Rumors spread like wild fire.  The Killops were part of the Witness Protection Program and their cover was blown.  They were illegal aliens and immigration was coming for them.  Maria really was an alien and her kind came back and took them all as pets.  They never really existed at all and it was a group hallucination induced by a leaking gas line.  Whatever the reason though, the Killops were never heard from again.

Time went on and I moved into my own place on the other side of the city.  Whenever I came back to visit my dad, I would look at the Killop’s house.  No one ever bought it after that.  It had stayed empty the entire time, even after all these years.  Dozens of ghost stories were attached to it and kids dared each other to break in all the time.  Over the years, the house has fallen into disrepair.  The windows were all broken and the shingles falling off.  It really did look like a haunted house, especially at night when the moon was just right.

It’s been almost 25 years now and I still wonder whatever came of the family that lived down the street.

Behind the Random: First off, there was no Killop family that lived on my street.  Any similarities between people living, dead, or fictional is all in your head and should be disregarded like the last homeless person who asked you for change.  Secondly, I thought this one was going to be a pain in the butt then I realized I’d misread the topic.  I had thought it was about a family that lived ON the street as in being homeless and such.  Still, this one required some on the fly improvisation, so it was a fun exercise in being whimsical.

And yes, this story was intentionally made to be a mystery.  At no point did I intend to reveal the final fate of the Killops within this post  Maybe a jerk move on my part though…

#383 – Polite Dinner Conversation…

…isn’t supposed to include religion, politics, or money.  Write a scene at the dinner table where one or more of these topics is discussed.

Disclaimer: This post deals with things some people may find offensive.  You’ve been warned.

Three people are sitting at a table, eating their meal in uneasy silence.

Father: <clears his throat>

Mother: Hm?

Father: …nothing.

Son: Go ahead.  Say it.

Father: …I have nothing to say.

Son: I think you have plenty to say.

Father: <doesn’t say a word>

Son: Don’t stop now.  You were pretty vocal about it before I moved out.  So just say it.  You don’t approve of how I live my life.

Mother: Now, let’s just calm down and enjoy dinner…

Father: <sets his fork beside his plate, clearly trying to keep his calm> No.  Let him finish.  He knows everything now, let him share his wisdom.

Son: <tosses his fork on his plate, causing his mother to jump from the sound> No.  I know there’s no changing your mind.  There’s no convincing you.  You’ll just go on thinking your stupid little thoughts.

Father: <points a finger at him> Careful there, kid.  I may not agree with what you believe in now, but I won’t have you insult me at my own table.

Son: <gets up from his chair> That works for me.  I only came because mom begged me to.

Mother: Not like this.  Don’t end it like this, you two.

Father: Let him go.  Let him be with his kind.

Son: Yeah.  My kind.  The right kind. <turns to storm out of the house>

Father: If you walk out that door, you are done, mister.

Son: <pauses at the door and sighs> I’m sorry dad.  Really.  But I just…I can’t do this anymore.  I meant what I said. <walks out the door, quietly shutting it behind him>

Father:  <stares at the door for a moment before picking up his plate> I’ll never understand that, kid. I wonder what Buddhism has that Cannibalism doesn’t…?

Mother: I don’t know, dear.  Pass me a lung?

Father: <passes over a piece of meat> I hope our new mailman is as good as this one.  Not too gamey.

Mother: Mm-hm.

Behind the Random: This one was a struggle to do, but I knew there was going to be some kind of bizzare twist at the end, which I’m fond of if you haven’t noticed by this point.  I considered having them different things from aliens to vampires to Nazis to nudists.  Somehow, cannibals won…not sure how that happened.