…that you don’t dare write. Write it.
It was over. There was no longer a point. Not that I could see anyways. All that existed for me was a void deep inside me that only the red haze of rage seemed to fill.
Hatred had consumed my heart and left me with only despair and all I wanted to do was end the unrelenting pain. That’s how I found myself in the basement with the rope around my neck. I needed it to end, even if I had to end everything with it.
I blocked out every thought that went through my head, ignoring the flashes of my mom and grandparents. I didn’t care if they would understand. I didn’t care if it hurt them. I didn’t care about anything anymore.
I experimentally tipped the chair I was standing on backwards and felt the rope press againt my skin, digging in painfully. Survival instincts kicked into high gear and screamed at me to stop, but I pushed that away too. A moment of pain would be worth the eternity of numbness I would feel later.
My resolve steeled, I kicked the chair backwards and felt myself fall. I thought it would take forever, like falling through space, but instead it happened so fast I didn’t even realize what happened until it was done.
First, there was a stinging pain in my neck then a loud snapping sound before I was dumped to the ground. I hit the cement floor on my knees, letting out a gasp of pain and I pull the rope off of me.
Rubbing the burning abrasion around my throat, I look up at the ceiling to see the snapped rope swinging from the rafter. A strange relief fills me as I realize what I’d almost done and I throw the rope across the basement like it was a poisonous asp.
I never thought I would be glad to find one more thing I was bad at.
Behind the Random: While it’s not something I keep secret, it’s also not something I typically reveal to people. It was during the later part of my teenage years and I just couldn’t handle bullying and pressure to ‘realize my potential’ and being alone and all that jazz. I’m not proud of what I tried to do, but I don’t hide from it. Suicide is rarely ever the answer.